Taking Responsibility for Everything
One of the most powerful and immediately helpful lessons I’ve learned is about taking responsibility for every part of your life. Instead of blaming other people or other things for your problems, examine your own mind and past actions and figure out how you are the cause of your problem, or could have done something to prevent your problem. In my privileged life, I’ve never encountered a problem that wasn’t my own fault, and by owning that responsibility I’ve been able to easily solve most of my problems or prevent them from happening again.
For example, let’s say someone cuts right in front of you on the highway and forces you to slam on brakes, which almost caused an accident with the car behind you and the car behind it. My first response to that would probably be anger or irritation. ‘Why did that dumbass just cut me off? Why couldn’t he have just waited and gotten behind me? Why do stupid people have to get in my way all the time?’ Thoughts like these would come into my head then and for many minutes after that incident, and it could kill my vibe and make the rest of my day worse. I don’t have to let that person control me though.
By taking responsibility for my own problem, I can immediately let go of my anger towards that person. What is my problem in that situation? My problem is that I am angry and upset because that stupid driver cut me off. I cannot control the other driver, and I cannot change the past. When you are upset, it is about yourself, and in the present.
I’m sure in this situation there are things that I could’ve done differently to prevent being cut off by that driver. Maybe I was going slow in the left lane by accident, maybe I was speeding, maybe I wasn’t paying enough attention to my rearview mirror and could’ve avoided this person coming up behind me. Again though, that doesn’t help me solve my problem. My problem is right now. What it takes to solve this problem starts with realizing what the problem is. Once you understand that the problem has nothing to do with the other driver, you can take some simple steps to let go of the event and your negative feelings and be happy again.
When I find myself upset because I’m holding onto something, I can solve the problem by taking some deep breaths and meditating for a minute or two. I might turn on a funny podcast to get me laughing, which can completely change your mood in minutes. Letting go of something is never that difficult I found, once you realize that you are holding onto it. There are simple things you can do in any situation to clear your mind and let go of and emotion. The hard part is being able to take a step back and realize that you need to let go of something in the moment.
The idea of taking responsibility for yourself goes the other direction too – you also need to take responsibility for the good things that happen to you. When you get a promotion at your job, start dating a girl you really like, win a contest– those things are your fault too. It’s easy to attribute good fortune to luck, or a god, or karma, but what I found is that we either directly or indirectly shape everything that happens to us. Your good fortune may be the result of a chain of events you set into motion years ago, or it could be because you smiled at the right person on the right day. Most, if not all, of the good fortune I’ve had in my career has been based on friendships and personal acquaintances.
Taking responsibility for everything that happens in your life can be a good motivator, too. Many times in my life, I have found myself waiting on someone to do something before I achieve a goal or start a project. Taking responsibility for creating your own life puts the ball firmly in your court. If you want something to happen, you’re the one that’s got to make it happen.
When you are a child, your parents own that responsibility, making sure you have what you need to survive and grow. But part of being an adult is taking over this responsibility. Becoming a man means that you take ownership over your life, and build it into the life that you want it to be. If you are working at a job that is not fulfilling, you have the power to quit that job and find a job that is fulfilling. Waiting on things to happen to you is a recipe for a miserable, boring life. You have the power to choose what you are doing and how you are doing it, every minute of every day. If you are doing something that is making you unhappy, then take a step back and ask yourself why you are doing this thing. The odds are, you could make a choice, immediately, that will align you with your goals, and where you want to be.
For example, let’s say you have a neighbor that you don’t like. This man is frequently drunk, aggressive, mean, and he seems unstable. He bangs on your wall and yells that he’s going to kick your ass if your TV is a little bit too loud. This is certainly a problem. So let’s take a step back and see how you could take responsibility for your life and turn this problem into an opportunity to align yourself with what you want. You can’t control your neighbor. You can call the apartment manager and complain, but there’s a good chance they won’t be able to solve your problem for you by kicking the man out. He hasn’t done anything illegal, so you can’t call the police.
A passive reaction to the situation would be avoiding the man, keeping your TV volume really low, tiptoeing around your house, only going outside when you know he’s not home. These actions will not help you at all, and will probably reinforce narratives in your head that are oppressive. An active, confrontational strategy would be to knock on his door, lure him outside, and then kick his ass. This is not a great idea either, because that is illegal and you would probably end up in jail, or you could lose the fight.
A better approach would be to take a step back and examine the situation and see how you can take responsibility for it. You can’t control the man, you can’t control where he chooses to live, you can’t control the apartment manager or the police, the only thing you can do is make a choice about what you are doing right now, in the present moment. Up until this moment, you’ve been choosing to stay in an unsafe situation, which is your actual problem. To solve this problem you can make a different choice – to leave! Pick up the phone and call the apartment manager and tell him that you need to move because you are not safe living next to this man. Tell the apartment manager that they either need to let you break your lease or they need to move your neighbor into a different apartment. Most likely they will let you break your lease. Then, move to a different apartment. Find one that is closer to where you work, or has a better pool, or will get you closer to people you want to be close to. The process of moving to a different apartment might take a month, but right away, you have solved your problem. Taking action is the key – in making the choice to call your apartment manager in that moment, you started the solution to the problem, and eventually your problem will be solved. You have this power of choice and responsibility in every moment of your life.
Now what if you have a problem and the solution will take months or years. Goals are types of problems like this. A goal is somewhere you want to be or something you want to be in your life. Let’s say you have a goal to be a rock star. I can tell you from first-hand experience, this is a difficult goal to achieve! Goals work the same way as taking responsibility for your problems. You can say that not being a rockstar yet is a problem, because that is something you want with your life. What choices could you make in the moment to reach your goal of being a rock star? This is a lengthy problem and will require a pen and paper.
Write down all of the things that you will need to accomplish before you are a rock star, and figure out how you can achieve each of these things. Then, narrow down that list further to write yourself a schedule: practice music three hours a day, spend 10 hours a day at the computer working on your business, then go out and network at the bars every night.
You’ve identified your problem, or goal, and you can take an action by setting out steps to achieve this goal. Now, you have to choose to follow through with these actions, 50 hours a week, for the next 10 years, before you will realize your goal of being a rockstar.
This is a process I have done many times in my career, and at first my goal was to become a rock star. Now, every time I sit down to write out my goals and plan how to achieve them, my goals change. I no longer want to be a rock star, I have narrowed down to exactly what I want to do with music, and every day I’m working towards achieving that goal.
The hardest part about all of this is figuring out what your goals are and what your problems are. I just start with simple things. You don’t need to figure out your whole life goal right away. The next time you get grumpy, take a step back and figure out what your problem is. Likely it will be something simple, and you can use this process of taking responsibility to solve it quickly. The more you do this, the better you will get and the more readily you will be able to access your emotions and desires. As a human being, your default state is happiness, peace. If you notice that you are not happy or not at peace, that means you have a problem that is getting in the way of that. It may be difficult to figure out what it is, but you and only you can figure it out. It is your responsibility to figure it out and solve your problem for your own sake and for the sake of everyone else in your life.
